Oh What a Tangled Web...

You may recall a previous posting where I made reference to an old, odd song called "She Don't Like Spiders and Snakes", which preceded my discourse on the serpentine population of our farm. Well, today you get the Arachnid Rant.

You may also recall that I have been quoted as saying it is possible to relate to a snake one on one, that in small numbers they are manageable and occasionally even kinda cool.

Let me hasten to assure you - I harbor no such sensibilities when it comes to spiders!! And this place is crawling with them. Literally. I am pretty sure I do not want to know what kind they all are, because (a) I may end up acquiring the knowledge that there are truly lethal spiders around here, whose bite will instantly paralyze all the muscles of respiration and I will fall gasping in a pitiful huddle in the middle of the driveway, clutching my throat as I fade to black, my last profound thought being #)#$&))@)#%& SPIDERS!!!, and (b) it doesn't matter anyway because I indiscriminately hate them all and am determined to eradicate them.

Any spider, of any size, is unwelcome in my home. Sorry guys, no offense intended, but EAT POISON AND DIE. You are creepy. You are unattractive. You give me hives. I do not want you.

This morning, I was out enjoying my morning ritual of watering the plants. This is the best thing since coffee for starting a day off right, it gets me in a nice little zen groove. I start with the veggie and herb garden outside the side door, spraying them with the mister to see their happy little leaves shimmer then soaking their roots. Then I turn that hose off and go around to the front and water the peonies, the rose bush, and the barrel garden. Ahhhhhh. Plants have the Power of Luv. So this morning, I had just finished watering the side garden and needed to run into the house to deposit the fresh-picked tomatoes so my hands would be free to water in the front. I was all mellow. I like mellow. I opened the side outer door and was about to open the screen door when I saw it. A VERY large, VERY black, probably hairy (because all the nasty ones in horror movies are hairy, so my mind sees hairy) spider had the unmitigated gall to attach itself to my side door, mucking it all up with a sticky web adhering the screen door to the door facing. It was messing with my mellow.

I will freely admit my response to spiders is immediate, loud, excessive, and violent. Be afraid, be very very afraid. I was wearing flip flops, which are bad because they leave you exposed but good because they are easy to whip off and have a lot of thwapping power. So I whipped and thwapped that spider into total oblivion.

When my blood pressure was approaching normal, I went on to the front watering. Here is where I got truly put out. There is some kind of spider that makes its web in the form of this hammock-like thing, and it does it on the grass, or shrubs, or anything low. There were probably FIFTY of the things, all over my little low stone wall, the yard, the lavender lining my sidewalk, you name it. Too numerous for flip-flop-thwacking, and eminently creepy. Like my yard was being taken over. NOT a good feeling.

I love an inspired plan early in the morning. Makes you just feel good about life. JET. That is the setting on my sprayer that caught my eye. Ahhhh. Jet. So I jetted those webs into the next county. Remember - immediate, excessive, violent. I probably took out large portions of grass at the same time, but hey, it's all good.

If I could just get the snakes to eat the spiders, we'd be in business.

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On an unrelated note, I have been contemplating how it is that one gets more people to read one's blog. Not to worry, I do primarily write this thing for the simple joy of putting words on paper (figuratively), but I will also admit to obsessing over the Stats. I love to see new hits, REALLY love it when there are comments. I want more Followers!! So I have been thinking - how can I get people to find this blog? Because if people even look at it once, it shows as a hit, which makes me smile, even if they read it and hate it and never look again. Which of COURSE won't happen.

So, it occurs to me that I should take a hint from the "trending now" column on Yahoo. If I can incorporate these items into my blog, I will have bazillions of hits. SOOOO - I have decided to rename all my farm animals. The llama is now Jim Belushi, the goats are Anna Nicole, Sarah Michelle Geller, and Carl Lewis. I need to figure out who I can name Baldness and Windows 8....

Stay Tuned!